I know I haven’t been very blog-worthy lately. I just haven’t really been in the mood to write. We have had a rough week with so many emotional ups and downs.
First with the passing away of a beloved, family friend and church member and us not being able to be there for ourselves or for the family. It was hard. And then to make it worse, Pop’s brother, Buck, from Kentucky, was asked to do the funeral. We would have liked to be able to visit with him and his family too. It was really hard not being there.
We did talk to several family members on more than one occasion and had daily prayer for them. They were very understanding of us not being able to be there.
I have been struggling with missing our church family too. I think of all of them so many times each day and feel badly because I want to be there and share in their events and fellowship. I try to keep up and connected through the internet and phone, but sometimes when depression is bad those devices just don’t do.
I did have a bout of anxiety the other night. I couldn’t shake it. I was driving and Pops was sleeping and no matter how I tried to take my thoughts captive, I really couldn’t, and with anxiety your thoughts sometimes are very unreasonable (and you may know that) but they still seem so very valid at the time.
I turned on the worship music and prayed and tried to look at my thoughts from an objective point of view(what if someone else were having these thoughts and feelings and came to me for advice) and I finally managed to put them in their place.
I really have trouble with anxiety when I don’t have control of certain situations. Then I start to doubt my value and my worth and then always, it seems, that someone will do or say something that seems to substantiate my thoughts. Then I look for validation. But my loved ones are not the ones I want to make me feel valuable, it is the ones whose opinions of me shouldn’t matter, those are the ones that I want approval from and hardly ever get it, possibly never get it and then the whole self-esteem thing starts all over again. Wow, I realize that I am a babbling mess, but that is what I was feeling this week.
I hate myself for giving some people so much power over me. I hate it that it matters to me what they think of me.
Anyway, I am over that for now.
We had a slow work week which didn’t help keep my mind occupied. Everytime we go home for awhile it seems to take awhile to get back into the groove of work, but we are really slow getting going this time. Although we did sit for a day and a half with a break down. We did four really good loads in the last 8 days but we should’ve had 6 really good loads. But it will be ok.
We are sitting for the weekend in Springfield, MO. We got here yesterday and haven’t had any good load offers yet. But we did our shopping and some work around here that needed caught up on. Yes, I do have a honey-do list here too. I still need to do some laundry and who knows. It is on the chilly side here too so sitting inside reading a book sounds like a good idea too.
Keep praying for us. Pray for me.
I love you and miss all of you.